Confessions: Postpartum Depression

Remember back in the summer when I wrote "Confessions of an Over-Tired Mama"? It was a difficult post and maybe shouldn't have been written... I still don't know myself, and wonder if it's best to delete it. And yet it was a very REAL struggle and has been part of our story, as difficult as it is to read. At that time we were going through an extremely hard time at home. It was truly the lowest of lows for me and for our little family. In general I couldn't cope with Grace's night-time episodes on top of having a 3 month old who was also waking me up multiple times at night. I was so overwhelmed. I was frustrated almost all of the day. I was filled with anxiety. I had moments DAILY where I felt I couldn't catch my breath from the stress and pressure I felt. Even now as I think back on that time, it's like trying to see through a thick fog. That realization alone makes me want to cry because I will never get back those sweet first months of Boston's life. I can hardly even remember it because ... it turns out I wasn't myself.

Postpartum Depression. This is what I was experiencing without knowing it at the time.

What is postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety *exactly*? What does it feel like? How do I know if that's what I'm experiencing? Those are a few questions I had last summer...

For the sake of journaling, I found a list online of symptoms that are common for PPD. Here are the few that explain what was going on in my brain at that time:

• You feel irritated or angry. You have no patience. Everything annoys you. You feel resentment toward your baby, or your partner, or your friends who don’t have babies. You feel out-of-control rage.
• You can’t bring yourself to eat, or perhaps the only thing that makes you feel better is eating.
• You feel hopeless, like this situation will never ever get better. You feel weak and defective, like a failure.
• You can’t concentrate. You can’t focus. You can’t think of the words you want to say. You can’t remember what you were supposed to do. You can’t make a decision. You feel like you’re in a fog.
• You feel disconnected. You feel strangely apart from everyone for some reason, like there’s an invisible wall between you and the rest of the world.
• Maybe you’re doing everything right. You are exercising. You are taking your vitamins. You have a healthy spirituality. You do yoga. You’re thinking “Why can’t I just get over this?” You feel like you should be able to snap out of it, but you can’t.
• You know something is wrong. You may not know you have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, but you know the way you are feeling is NOT right. You think you’ve “gone crazy.”
• You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you’ve lost the “old you” forever.

On a more personal note, here were some extreme examples of what was happening:
1. When Ryan took Logan and Grace to Las Vegas (Boston was 2 weeks old), I was SO angry the entire time he was gone. I cried A LOT the week. I was so angry that he was gone and that they were having all that fun without me. I felt completely out of control, and even though I knew in my head I was being ridiculous and unfair I couldn't help what I was feeling.

2. On Grace's last day of Kindergarten (one month postpartum), I didn't realize that school was getting out at 11:15am. I thought it was a regular schedule. I had the two boys at home and was trying to get lunch started for Logan when I got a phone call around 11:45 from the school. The office lady told me Grace was waiting for me in the office. I felt scolded. I felt like a complete failure. I had planned to go a few minutes early so I'd be there to take pictures of Grace with her friends and her teacher. I had missed all of that! I had let Grace stand there waiting and waiting and waiting for me and then she had to sit in the office wondering where I was. I cried for HOURS that day. I couldn't stop the tears. I was a mess!

3. I remember many, many times (after I had Boston) when I could not stand having Grace or Logan touch me. They would want to come sit next to me on the couch and I just did not want them right next to me. I was so IRRITATED and I couldn't hide it or stop it.

4. In the summer, when Grace started having her nighttime episodes, we entered a real dark time in our home. When I think back on it now though I am full of regrets and sadness. I treated Grace horribly during this time. I couldn't cope with her behavior. I had ZERO compassion for her needs. I had ZER ability to cope with those stressors. I was so full of anger with her and I literally felt that my world was crashing around me. I felt almost everyday that our life would never be the same again. Our kids have pretty much always been great sleepers, and I was counting on that to be the case now that I had a brand new baby. So between postpartum depression, extreme lack of sleep, and stress, I was a zombie. I was an awful mom and wife. I cried often. But the thing is: I felt justified in my feelings. I felt like it made complete sense that I was a mess given all I was dealing with. That's why figuring out whether or not I was legitimately suffering with PPD was so hard for a long time. I wish SO BADLY I had known earlier and saved all of us so much heartache and regret.

Thankfully, by about September (Boston was 4 months old), I finally told Ryan that I felt I needed to go see my doctor about PPD and he was supportive. All I really knew at the time about PPD was that women who experience it want to hurt themselves or their babies. For me, that wasn't the case. Thank heavens! But I knew that my brain wasn't right. I also understood depression to involve lots of crying and a major loss of desire to get out of bed. I WAS crying quite often but (as I said before) I felt justified in that since I would mostly only cry when I talked about Grace's nighttime issues with someone. But it wasn't debilitating. And as for getting out of bed... my children were why I got out of bed. I had to get up with the baby. I had to get kids ready for the day. I had mouths to feed and hair to do and church to attend and grocery shopping to do. If I didn't, my world truly WOULD end just as the negative self-talk that was going on in my own head. It was already teetering that way from my perspective and I couldn't figure out why I was so unhappy. I was so in love with this sweet baby I had in my arms, and I was so glad to not be pregnant anymore... but I was SO overwhelmed and unhappy. I was feeling lots of heavy emotions, both good and bad, and the positive ones were not winning. It was too much! 

When I finally went in to see my doctor (who is also our good friend), I cried to him. I asked him if I was feeling these things because I was over-tired, or if it could be PPD. I wasn't sure what to make of how I felt and NEEDED him to say "Here's the answer you're looking for. You're doing the right thing. Let's fix this." And you know what? That's exactly what he did. He said to me "It sounds like you're unable to cope with stress. ... I think it's likely that if you didn't medicate that you'd be able to climb out of this in a few more months on your own. But it doesn't need to be so difficult for you. Everyday doesn't have to be SUCH a struggle." After his explanation I felt so much relief hearing him say all of that. I felt like a failure and I honestly felt silly going in to talk about all of my struggling. But my "inability to copy" was EXACTLY the problem. I was irritable, I couldn't cope with stress, I was full of rage so often, and I felt completely overwhelmed with my life. It was a relief to hear him tell me it was ok... that I'm not some crazy person who will be on medication forever. I was prescribed a small dose of an anti-depressant and I'm so happy to say that it has put me back on track. I felt happiness finally. I literally had moments in the first few weeks where I felt giggles bubbling up from my chest on their own accord, simply because I felt happy! It had been so many months since I felt that way. Even during my pregnancy I was in "endurance" mode and was struggling inside my head even then. I felt like the medication was able to take away the irritability and negativity I felt and bring me back to myself. My personality/true self was able to shine through for the first time without all the inner struggle weighing it down. It was such a relief!! I can't say it enough. 

So what is PPD? It's something that so many more women experience than I ever imagined. It's something that is misunderstood unless you're going through it yourself. It's something I will never judge as silly or strange or "just because of lack of sleep". It's real. Medication CAN help fix it because it's not just a bad mood you can work through. It's a chemical imbalance. 

As of now, I feel good. I honestly feel really good! I'm now almost 11 months postpartum, still on the meds (but hopefully not for much longer), sleeping a full night's sleep, exercising every morning and losing some of the baby weight, and my family brings me so much joy. I've even found my desire to be social again when I'd completely lost that desire for several months. I'm so thankful for my doctor and for modern medicine. I'm so happy to feel right in my head again and that my life is not a fog. I wish so much I could go back 11 months and have someone tell me right then I needed to be on medication. I wish I had understood what was going on with me and not keep placing all the blame on poor Grace. I feel that whole episode with her and the anger and blame I placed on her will always be one of my biggest regrets. But going forward I know things will continue to get better and we are tougher for having gone through those hard times. 

Table Mountain

Just a 25 minute drive from our home is an ecological preserve called Table Mountain. It's a butte, so it's very flat and doesn't have much going for it... except in the spring! It's completely green and covered in small streams and waterfalls, which create a unique and beautiful contrast against the red clay and black lava rock. We took the kids on the "hike" (walk?) there a few weeks ago on a chilly but sunny day. We were quite impressed!!

Another thing this butte has ... are cows. They let the cattle graze there and eat the grass. So there were lots of cow pies to avoid. Yummy.

While we were walking, Ryan told the kids that he was going to go "slap a cow" (jokingly, of course). But Logan thought he was serious, and as Ryan started to walk towards a bunch of cows Logan was screaming "Nooo!! Dad!! Don't do it!!" It was hilarious.

 We were a couple weeks too early to see the wildflowers that pop up at this time of year... yellows, purples, and oranges. But it was still so beautiful in a unique way.

 Best Baby Award

(and Strongest Daddy Award... with a 25+ pound brick on his back)

 It so beautiful!! It reminds us of what we envision Ireland looks like.

 We reached the trail that cuts down along a steep hill and takes you around to the waterfall. The kids did great!

This is the view looking down to the bottom where you see the waterfall.

 We got to the bottom and it was beautiful!

 I sure love these adventurers. We are really loving getting to know our area, especially in the spring when everything is gorgeous. Soon it will all turn brown and yellow again. :( 

Projects and Playdates

Ryan and I have been busy with a few home projects lately. We are slowly replacing all of the old, ugly, rattling ceiling fans in the house. On this particular day, Logan was sick and actually fell asleep while watching Ryan install ours. I was surprised he could sleep through all the noise! 

 We also had been meaning to turn our office/storage/crafting/air mattress room into an ACTUAL permanent guest room. I wish I had taken a picture of what it looked like before we started moving stuff around... But this was mid-project. Mint walls. Scratched up, black desk. Clutter everywhere. A huge black filing cabinet we needed to relocate. Brown fan.

Ryan painted the walls "Heavenly Blue" just like Boston's room. We have decided it's our favorite paint color, especially in a room with lots of light. After he painted (I helped a little, just for the record), we set up the new furniture and bedding, put some of my framed photos on the walls, and he installed a new ceiling fan. I also handmade the wreathe over the bed. It really was so fun putting this room together and it turned out beautiful and not complicated! It's so peaceful and bright in there. Love it. Now we have a comfortable space for all our guests... so come on out, family and friends!!

Grace helped with a sharing time recently, dressed up as Lemuel's wife. It was so cute I had to snag a photo with her little primary friends.

 The kids finished up with their swim lessons by earning their blue ribbons (passing off their dives, underwater swimming distance, and 1 minute of straight treading). I'm proud of how much they've improved in their swimming and feel comfortable knowing that THEY feel more confident in the water. They could have continued, and maybe one day we will start again, but it was creating more stress with the timing of this lesson, how short it was, plus how far of a drive it was. So it was time to move on.

 They are now taking gymnastics and it is SO MUCH FUN! They both have such a blast for them, and for me to watch. I remember taking gymnastics when I was a little older than Grace and had such a fun time. I'm glad we found a better option that works for our family, and it's even a little cheaper which is great. :) Logan especially really needs this type of activity so he can focus all of his crazy energy on something that's fun but also guided. They're both going to learn more coordination and taking turns, plus some independence and conquering fears. Also they're NOT in the same class this time which is what they needed BAD.

We've had a lot more playdates lately than we have in quite awhile. Maybe I'm feeling more able to have friends over now that Boston is less needy? I don't know, but it's been fun. And really good for Logan to remember it's NOT all about him all the time and that he has to share with friends. ;) 

Addie and Logan

Teaching Addie to stick pretzels in her sandwich. haha I'm afraid that was my bad because I told him I used to do that with Uncle Thomas when we were little.

Logan and Oliver Hanchett are really good friends and LOVE to play together. They typically have half-day playdates once a week, which is nice and he has a blast... but it also creates some trouble too. Logan picks up on all the not-so-great behavior he sees and we are working on helping him remember to be HIM and not try to be someone else.

 The weather has been SO INCREDIBLE lately. On this particular day I was able to watch the kids biking safely in our quite culdesac, while Boston napped, bread was baking, and I was reading a book. I love where we live!

 I'm so happy to say that our goal to have FHE every single monday has been pretty much 100% so far in 2017. We are all loving it too! On this night it was Ryan's turn for the lesson and he talked about principals and ordinances of the gospel and how they are stepping stones to . He made a timeline on the floor of where we all stand right now with the ordinances we have participated in so far. It was a neat and creative visual for all of us! We enjoyed seeing the steps it takes to get to eternal life. I love my family!!

Boston Lee {10 months}

Weight: 25 lbs

Height: 

-can balance on his own two feet without help for several moments before lowering himself down to sit

-"cruising" with more confidence

-tries to climb the stairs as fast as he can before I grab him

-also loves to try and climb into my shower before I can stop him and knows how to slide open the glass doors

-favorite activities include: slamming doors, opening and closings drawers and cabinets, and unloading anything onto the floor that's been put away (things in drawers, laundry baskets, toy bins, etc)

-loves blowing raspberries with food still in his mouth

-said "bah" while waving goodbye to me yesterday ... first time ever!

-LOVES to clap, and since his hands are so huge it makes quite a noise. Ryan calls them his "big paws"

-also loves to smack me in the chest/ribs with those big paws, probably because he likes the sound

Boston is pretty easy-going most of the time. He really is such a good baby!! As I've thought about him prior to writing this, and really thought about WHO he is, I've decided that he just doesn't easily get worked up. He is pretty level most of the time. In general, he doesn't get worked up when he doesn't get his way. That is a quality I truly appreciate in him! When someone takes something from he, he just moves on. If we move him away from something, he is usually fine. He may keep going after that thing with determination but he doesn't scream at us or get upset. He seems to allow things to roll off his back. The reason I notice this quality and can appreciate it is because Logan has always been the completely opposite, even when he was Boston's age. I hope this little man will always have that wonderful, peaceful quality.

Another quality Ryan and I LOVE about Boston is that he is a cuddler. He enjoys cuddling for a couple minutes before his nap or before bed at night. He will fall asleep in my arms at church still, which is awesome. He will lounge on Ryan's lap if he's watching a show or looking at his phone. He is quite a busy baby, so it's not that he is often happy to lounge around, but when he is tired he definitely likes to relax in our arms/laps. Boston especially enjoys holding his blanket. His super soft swaddle blankets have become his "lovey"s, which is awesome because he is happy with any of the 4 and I can rotate them whenever they need to be washed. So when he is tired, if he has his binky and his blanky, all is well and he will sit and cuddle for a little while. I love it!

Boston east EVERYTHING. He loves food. He loves nursing, snacking, eating meals, anything. However he is developing some pickiness too. Because he has tried just about everything (except honey of course) he won't eat boring stuff anymore like cheerios, bananas, baby snacks, puffs and such. He just won't! He knows there is way more fun stuff out there to eat and will throw things on the floor or just move them to the edge of his tray. He doesn't like fruit much, especially tart fruit (he's totally my child). As we have tried to give him kiwi, oranges, green grapes, peaches, and pineapple, he typically won't eat them at all. He will gnaw on apples, and eat craisins, strawberries and cantaloupe. But that's about it so far. His very favorite things these days are chicken, turkey, ground beef, ham, roasted or steamed veggies (broccoli, brussel sprouts, cauliflower, squash), avocado, beans, cheese, PB&J sandwiches and mostly everything I give him from my plate.

One funny thing he does these days: he only uses his right hand to eat. It's like he forgets that he has two hands, and his left arm just sits there limp most the time. He does that when looking at toys sometimes as well.

In anticipation of starting the weaning process soon, I've been working on getting him to drink from a straw and sippy cup. It seems Boston is finally getting the hang of it these last couple of weeks (more the straw cup than the sippy) but still tends to suck in a lot of water and spit it out right away, creating a small pond in his bib. So gross!

Boston still naps twice a day and that's working well for us. He wakes up for the day around 6:45am, naps from 9:45-11am ish, again from 2:30-3:45pm ish, and goes to bed for the night about 7:30pm. He nurses 4 days a day as well. In a few weeks I'll start dropping a feeding every week or two and get him started drinking milk. He's been such an awesome nurser, although he is definitely the BIGGEST kid I'd ever had to nurse and it's getting awkward to hold him in the right position. He's so darn heavy, plus he tries to spin and kick around so he's more on his stomach while he breast feeds... it's just awkward. Especially if I'm sitting in a chair or in public using my cover. I have loved nursing, and I know it will make me sad to be totally done forever, but I'm ready to have my body back to myself and not have to wrangle him into the right position all the time!

We love this caboose of ours SOoooo much!!