A few weeks ago in church, a friend of mine spoke about the importance of having kindness and love in the home. She shared quotes from my Grandfather Lee and talked about how our children should be going to bed every night KNOWING that we love them. Her message hit me so hard! Of course, I know those things, and have tried to create a safe, happy environment in our home. But the Spirit I felt while I heard that message was so strong and prompted me to try a
whole lot harder. We have struggled more and more over the last year with Grace's attitude and in turn our own attitudes. There was entirely too much yelling, spanking, kids hurting each other, frustration, unkind words and attitudes from everybody - which very much included myself! To be entirely honest, I felt like I was on a downward cycle when it came to "parenting" and teaching the kids how to behave kindly because I was exhausted trying to do it almost entirely by myself. I didn't really know WHAT I was doing or how to fix it. I feel inexperienced in this area. I would try and focus on something to correct in Grace's behavior, but then I would handle it poorly, quickly lose patience, making her more frustrated, which made for an unhappy home when Ryan would get home at the end of the day, which meant Ryan and I were not on the same page as far as punishments and being consistent. We were a mess, and I'm sure the kids had no idea what to expect! Some days were fine, but lots of days were just up-and-down roller coasters of bad attitudes, time-outs, screaming, spanking, sibling fights, trying to tune it all out and let them work things out, etc, etc. I knew it was a problem but I honestly didn't know where to start.
After that talk and realization, Ryan and I sat down together the next evening for a long time and talked through EVERYTHING: what is working, what isn't working, our concerns, our hopes, etc. I wanted to come up with a set of Family Rules and set consequences for when certain rules were broken. This probably sounds ridiculous and silly, but we just hadn't ever done that before to this extent. I never instigated a meeting with him like that and ... well, he is just busy a lot of the time and figured I had things under control! But I really needed his insight and his opinion on rules and consequences. We both knew of a few types of situations that arise with Grace over and over again so we were able to agree on what kinds of things needed to be addressed and how it should be handled.
Our rules are:
1. Always be kind.
2. No hitting/hurting each other.
3. No yelling.
4. Say sorry when we hurt someone.
5. We eat meals together as a family. (in other words: eat what is on your plate or go to bed hungry)
6. Listen and obey quickly.
7. Clean up our own toys and messes.
-If Grace ever hits or hurst Logan on purpose, she immediately goes to timeout for 4 minutes in her room. She has to say sorry to him and/or give him a hug in order to come out.
-If Grace refuses to clean up her toys, we get out a trash bag and start putting toys in it which she can earn back by doing good deeds.
-If Grace doesn't eat the amount of dinner we ask her to, then she cannot have anything else the rest of the night and will go to bed hungry. ***I originally thought this would be way too harsh. I felt like it's borderline abusive if a 3 year old goes to bed with a hungry stomach. But we have only had to deal with it one time and she usually has eaten at least the fruit or veggie on her plate before bed so it's not like she's "starving". Now she is way better about eating whatever few bites she is required.
-If Grace yells at Logan, then she gets a calm reminder that we don't yell at each other. I try to help Logan give the toy back that he has stollen from her, or offer a distraction, or show Grace ways to fix the situation calmly.
With the yelling rule... That has made ALL the difference in the world. My friend in her talk shared this quote by Pres. David O. McKay that says:
I laughed at first because I thought to myself "Well that's just silly and not realistic." But really, it's not silly. I guess I kept telling myself that it's normal to have some yelling... but it does
not have to be like that. It honestly hit me so hard! I just needed to change ME and my perspective before I could change the expectations in my home. Without the yelling in our home, everybody is calmer and happier. The kids act differently. Even when Logan does cause trouble and steals a toy from Grace's hands, 95% of the time she doesn't yell. She might groan and ask for my help, or she will try and handle it herself by asking him nicely to give it back. She has also hardly ever hits or hurts Logan at all anymore because I've started to give her to the tools to handle the situation with more patience and forgiveness. We still have a long way to go, of course, and we all fail sometimes, but she has made huge progress!
We used to use a spanking here and there when things were over the top, and we felt Grace needed a quick snap back to reality... something to really get through to her. But now that we aren't spanking, she is a lot calmer. A lot quicker to be moved to act in a good direction. A lot quicker to listen and obey. We still have struggles of course, but I think she's realizing that we have expectations of her, and she is safe because we're not being tyrants about it.
We also have a new rewards system that is working SO WELL! Grace is obsessed with Jake and the Neverland Pirates, so for fun one night Ryan made her a treasure chest out of paper and a cardboard box. Then I found a package of coins ("gold doubloons") at Hobby Lobby. When Grace does something good, reacts with patience instead of frustration, shares with her brother, listens to me the first time, or I feel she is being particularly sweet/kind, then I tell her she can get a gold doubloon from the bucket and put it in her treasure chest. She LOVES this, and totally eats it up. When she earns 5 (which usually takes her 2 or 3 days), she can trade them in to me for a dollar store item, coloring book, stickers, etc. So far this is working wonders. I can also take them away if she is struggling with attitude or not obeying.
Overall, the thing I want my children to know by the end of every single day is that I
truly love them. I don't want them to go to bed remembering complaints I made about them that day, or having a sore bum from a spanking, or tired eyes from crying about a miserable day. I want them to remember that when they asked me to go upstairs for them and get a particular toy, that I did it with a smile (even if I was tired). That when they asked for just a half cup more juice, I said sure! (because really, is it gonna hurt them? Nope). I want them to see me asking them to play Memory or Hide and Seek instead of checking Instagram for the 6th time that day. ;) I want them to know it's totally ok and wonderful to be a kid, and get a bit messy in the process, and make silly noises, and do all those things that on a bad day I might say are annoying or not worth the clean-up time. They shouldn't have to ever think "Uh oh, mom's in a bad mood again. Now we can't have any fun." It hurts my heart to think about and I am going to continue to try to let them be kids! Just like this cute reminder is saying, THIS is what my kids will remember.
Today we are helping them build the foundation that their whole lives will be built on.
I am so grateful to my friend who listened to the Spirit when she was picking the topic for her talk, and followed through. I know her message was meant for me and my family at that time. I have felt the dynamic in our home change drastically for the better and I am so grateful! Everyday is a different challenge and some days are better than others, but we are improving each week and adding more peace to our home life. :) I hope my children will always go to bed at the end of their day and feel totally secure in my love for them. And I hope that they grow up with good memories of their childhood, their family life, and their sibling relationships.
